Experiences from the Kava Community

I have been a member of the kava1 community for about ten years now. It has been an integral part of my life, the people within it have provided me with the support and love that I needed to survive. The VAST majority of my closest friends, I met them all here. It will ALWAYS hold a very special place in my heart because of this. The kava community saved my life, multiple times. People within it have held me when I cried, listened to me when I was talking on the pain of losing the love of my life, and rallied around me in support and defense of my identity.

At the same time, this community has brought me a lot of pain over the years. Unspoken pain, but pain just the same. Conservatism, disrespect, and discrimination run deep within this community. Over the years I have overheard innumerable transphobic comments. Everything from the simple quip of “That’s not a woman.” when someone was speaking positively about a trans woman, all the way to “Trans people are mentally ill and deserve to be put down.” This runs counter to the public image of kava bars being inclusive spaces where the downtrodden gather to comfort one another.

Granted, this is not the whole community. There are loads of people I adore here. I have witnessed an incredible amount of support from my community, and, thankfully, have yet2 to hear a single intentionally transphobic comment myself since coming out; however, I do still hear about occurrences of the blatant use of transphobic language. Even in bars that proudly display the LGBTQIA+ pride flag. So, it just seems like transphobia is overrepresented in the kava community when compared to the general population, and I think it’s high time we had a conversation about it.

Without further ado, lets dive in, together.

But first!

With all this talk on transphobia…what even is it?

Transphobia is not just ‘an irrational fear’ of transfolk; language is significantly more nuanced than the meaning of a word being tied to its root. Etymology, while important, becomes ever less relevant as language, and its use, evolve. The best, short and sweet, definition comes from Miriam-Webster: transphobia; irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against transgender people but this definition leaves much to be desired in the current political landscape. The Cambridge dictionary has this to add; transphobia: policies, behaviors, rules, etc. that result in a continued unfair advantage to cisgender people and unfair or harmful treatment of transgender and non-binary people.

With these two definitions we can come to a much better understanding of transphobia. So let’s combine them:

Another term that is beginning to come in to use to describe this phenomenon is, transmisia. This is an effort by academics to deflate the most common argument of the “gender critical” movement: “I am not afraid of trans people.” It is an etymological effort dating back to the 1950’s when the suffix -misia’ (hate) was first proposed as an alternative to ‘-phobia’ (fear.) Largely, ‘transmisia’ means very much the same thing as ‘transphobia,’ it is purely an effort to align the etymological, clinical, and social meaning of the word; and yes, I learned this word while researching and writing this piece, and felt it was worth including.

With this as our framework, let’s move on to a crash course on human gender.

Gender as a social construct: what does that mean?

Gender is based on the psychological, behavioral, social and cultural aspects that distinguish men, women, and non-binary individuals. This runs contrary to sex, which is formed by the biological realities of the human species, and yet, neither of them are truly binary, and they are entirely disconnected from each other.

Gender, as we know it today, exists purely because humans agree that it exists. It is thrust upon us and enforced by cultural and societal ‘norms’ that say that “Your body is like this, so you must act like this.” but, intrinsically, due to substantial variations in gender expression, we know this is not true. That as a society evolves, ‘new’ expressions emerge.

For today, we can look at gender as a spectrum(for simplicity; it’s more of a continuum) with cisgender(gender and sex in alignment) on one side, and transgender(gender and sex in conflict) on the other. Between the two, you have everything from non-binary to gender fluid to agender. We’ll dive into the immense diversity of human gender in the future, this is just a quick and dirty primer to aid in todays conversation.

It is important to note here, there is no correlation between gender and sexuality. Sex, sexuality, gender, gender identity, and gender expression are independent attributes of an individuals being. They, together, form a whole; the result, a masterpiece of human design.

Now that we have introduced these concepts, let’s move on to a couple examples, old and new, from my own life.

Transphobia in context and the harm of microaggressions.

I need to preface this story with this; this person has changed. A LOT. This change had been in motion long prior to my coming out. They are still very important to me, will always be very important to me and I love them very much. When you are reading this, please know that I hold nothing against you. How were you to know?

There is someone that is very important to me. I considered them my best friend for several years; we talked on the phone every single morning; our schedules were coordinated together. We were a unit. Inseparable. We shared innumerable interests; we had an absurd amount in common.

But there was still pain. Hearing them refer to gender affirming hormone treatment as a “brutal form of chemical castration” hurt. Every time they referred to a trans woman as a man, I died a little more inside. I can’t even blame them for these words. I was utterly self deprecating back then. I hated myself more than anyone. I made similar comments from time to time. I hurt myself just as much, if not more than anyone else did.

This was at a time in my life when I was deep in denial and intense suppression of my gender identity. I knew, had known, very well that I am transgender. I couldn’t even pretend to deny it to myself, but it remained unexpressed; a crucial part of my being, caged within a bleeding heart. This is only one example of many and they led me to remain in the closet, untrue to myself, for just that much longer. I just could not bear the thought of losing my support system, even though that very support system brought me pain.

I have not seen this friend in…I don’t even know, three years now? They were taken away due to their…ill advised actions during 2020/2021. In their time away, they made a new friend, a trans friend. The most wild thing about that is this: the day that I came out to my friend over email, his new friend had their first day on hormones.

My life is full of weird synchronicities like this one.

I don’t know whether I should really be writing this one or not - I don’t believe in cancelling people. I believe people can change, but, I also know that people can change for the worst. Negative growth happens all the time, and when one starts from a low point to begin with, the results are…extreme.

I will not be ‘naming names’ here. I do not intend to drag anyone, nor stoop to the level of disrespect that has been shown to me. I just can’t do it. But, anyway…

I was incredibly nervous coming out to my community…petrified really. I heard a great many people use, or agree with, transphobic language. I knew I had, and would have, a lot of people in my corner, that there many people that would defend my existence, but even with that, I was overwhelmed with worries of losing my community. Thankfully, I have not. If anything, I have grown closer to my community, and interact with it in a more authentic manner. It has been amazing to experience.

To this day(09/01/24) only one person has intentionally deadnamed3 me. They made it abundantly clear that they have no intention of treating me with respect, let alone basic human decency, by addressing me by my preferred moniker. This was not a surprise at all, and I had emotionally prepared myself to deal with this; resilience is a wildly powerful thing. Prior to this, and since coming out, they did not even acknowledge my presence, save for a single time when they chimed in to tell me just how wrong I was about a certain capitalist. It was always painfully clear that this person is a bigot. They tend to go out of their way to express their disgust with the LGBTQIA+ community at large, along with a particularly evident disdain for both trans women, AND cis women.

Using someone’s chosen name does not seem like it should be that hard, and, before anyone thinks that this is not transphobia, I guarantee you that this resistance would be completely nonexistent if I had changed my name to ‘Evan’ or ‘Dylan’ or ‘Tom,’ instead of Evelyn. But, I did not; for I am Evelyn Reigh, I always have been, and I always will be.

I am here to stay.

I am fiercely resilient.

I am filled with trans joy.

note: the overlap of misogyny and transphobia in this example is pretty intriguing to be honest. Observing and analyzing that overlap within the general population deserves its own post.

UPDATE(20/01/24): I did say that people can change for the better, right? Well, there has been a development. I crossed paths with the person referenced above, and to my surprise, they used my chosen name. With this in mind, while I will be leaving this story in here; my experience and feelings surrounding occurrences in my life are valid, always. With that said, I will reserve any kind of final judgement, for now.

Keep learning.

Keep growing.

We all need allies.

This section was not originally planned, but as I was talking with some of my cisgender friends about what I have been working on, a couple of them expressed interest in contributing their own words and experiences. Regardless of gender we can all benefit from a variety of perspectives, and maintaining a safe space for us to share these experiences, and our vulnerabilities is of incredible importance.

As they have provided the space for me to express myself, so shall I.

Thank you all, so much, for your words.

You all have my heart.

I am not even sure what to say after this - I feel as though I have to let this one speak for itself, and leave my commentary brief. However, I am just so honored and impressed with her words and her approach to criticality through vulnerability. I have watched her grow so so much in the time that we have known each other, and I am so proud of how far she has come. Thank you so much for these impactful, unapologetically honest words.

You inspire me.

I love you.

The themes of addiction and recovery run deep within the kava community, there are many reasons for this, but the main one is this: humans need community. We are, have always been, and will always be, a tribal species at the core.

We rely on each other. Life is hard alone. 

When coming out of active addiction, we tend to lose our old communal connections. The people in our lives during active addiction are, more often than not, chasing the dragon right beside us. The kava community has acted as sanctuary, and watering hole for many of us. Whether we dealt with alcoholism, addiction to hard drugs, or otherwise - having a place to go, a safe place, where we can relate to others who have walked this path, is one of the most important things for solid, maintainable, lifelong recovery.

This line we walk is a very fine one. We can do better, we must be better.

This one is a poignant criticism of the exploitative nature of the kava/kratom industry from the perspective, and lived experience of a cis-gender gay man:

Stories like this are important. Not only is it important to understand the prolific nature of discrimination toward marginalized communities, but it illustrates the systemic nature of it. These issues have long been a thorn in the side of this community. You all remember the ladies night incident4 with Kavasutra, yeah? The gist of it is this: the owner of Kavasutra made an Instagram post advertising for their ladies night, and in it, he said “slams tonight for chicks only. Chicks means born with a vagina. You must have ovaries.” he then went on to say in a comment: “The point of ladies night is to get ladies in the door so the men can bang them. If there’s no vagina then they don’t qualify because they don’t benefit the business and the plan.” The point of bringing this up is simple. This is an age old problem, I mean, the roots of the kava community reach back to a time when kava was incredibly patriarchal. Women were prohibited from growing, selling, preparing and serving the root. Excluded from an integral piece of their culture. But it is 2024, and it is time to shake off the last vestiges of inequality and discrimination. It is time to confront the sexism, homophobia, and transphobia within our community, head on.

You have a voice: speak your truth.

You may not be transgender, but you undoubtedly know someone who is. Regardless of your gender; I would love to hear about your personal experiences with transphobia, homophobia, and intolerance in general - both in the kava community, and outside of it. If you would like to contribute your voice and your power to this conversation, it would be my pleasure to open my platform to your words.

If you have something you'd like to say, to lean in to the power of your voice, or even just to say hi, you can email me with the address below; to prevent your words from getting lost, please use the subject 'Kava Experiences.’

Letters to the editor will also be accepted here, I only ask that for them, you use the subject: ‘Letter to the Editor’ these can be about anything, and everything. Have questions? I may have answers and I am here to help.

Some closing remarks: the tears in my eyes.

This has been a piece fueled by introspection. I have spent the past year thinking about transphobia, it’s effects, and how, I myself, have contributed to the proliferation of transphobic themes and ideas. The process of detangling internalized transphobia is long from over for me, and I may very well write further on this topic in the future; but I wanted to get this off my chest. I want to fuel the change that I want to see in our community, and our world.

The intent of this piece is not to dox anyone, nor tear anyone down, nor accost anyone over past behavior. This piece is meant to bring light to things where we, as a community, still have some growing to do. The benefit of having such a diverse community is that we can drive each other to do better, to be better. We can, and should, hold each other accountable and drive each other in the endless pursuit of personal and communal growth.

This pain, the pain that I have experienced, the pain that I have caused; this pain is real. It has weight. It has impact. We may not realize what we are doing to each other, to ourselves, in the moment, but it adds up. Every small little comment, no matter how arbitrary it seems, makes the weight of this existence just that much harder to bear.

I shudder to think that I have been the person to bring a fellow trans person pain.

If you are reading this.

I am sorry.

Eevee

<3

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p.s. I keep saying that we should all learn and grow together, and I mean that.

I am trying, are you?

p.p.s. Writing this piece has taken me a lot longer than I was planning to, but this has afforded me the unique opportunity to be able to read this piece dozens of times and reflect, a lot, on how it is turning out. I am very proud of what has been created here. I did not set out on the journey of writing this to start a civil war in the community, I set out to educate with empathy, and my personal understanding of how transphobia can, oh so easily, rise within an individual. I sincerely hope that you have learned something here today, and that you will share this piece far and wide.